Parents Don’t Need Unsolicited Advice
How Unsolicited Advice Hurts Hopeful & Established Families
At one point in anyone’s life, we hear others' takes and opinions on how we choose to navigate life without invitation. But this phenomenon of unsolicited advice is one parents know all too well. Comments such as “You two should try for a little one now, you're getting older. I had two children by your age?” or “Wow! You shouldn’t give your baby formula” can come unwarranted and unwanted. Oftentimes, the commenter shares their thoughts, advice, and opinions to be helpful or to get someone to do something they feel is right, or even better than how that person is navigating their life. However, unsolicited advice is just that, unsolicited, and can not only be hurtful but also harmful. Unsolicited advice ultimately leads to doubt, guilt, and negative mental health effects for hopeful parents to conceive and established parents.
Unsolicited advice to parents does not have a single culprit because it can come from a stranger in the grocery store or their grandmother, making comments on their baby or child. Sometimes these strangers know us well, and other times they do not know anything about us. What all these commenters have in common is 3 key points. First, they mean well in hopes that their advice will assist the parent to raise their little one in a manner they feel is best. This leads me to the second thing unsolicited advice givers have in common, which is the idea that they create their advice from their own lived experiences that form their version of “normal”, “right”, “safe”, or “healthy” from when they were a parent or how they were raised. Last, but not least, these individuals aren’t aware that what they say can have detrimental effects on the person they are sharing their opinion with, because they may be uncomfortable with what they see a parent doing, whether or not it is inherently wrong. For that reason, they do not commonly see their advice as unwanted, unneeded, or unnecessary because they truly feel that they are doing something for the greater good of the parent or child. Overall, this advice breaches boundaries that one sets for themselves and their family unknowingly.
Due to the many choices that come with parenthood, the choices families make may be different than the social norm or what others would find acceptable. Topics like how you feed your child, sleep training, and ways you comfort or reprimand a child are all ones that can feel controversial to some. These differences in opinion can be seen as the root of unsolicited advice, because when we decide on things that others are not comfortable with, those who are more vocal may choose to speak up. This speaking up is what can come as unwanted or unsolicited. The majority of the time, these individuals who speak up about their own opinions are not doing so to cause harm or hurt feelings. As we examined before them it may trigger things from their own life experiences that they thought was best or were harmful to them. Thus, when they offer up a piece of advice, they are doing so to be helpful, to protect their feelings, or they simply have a desire to help. Each of these reasons, however, does not come with malicious intent; the unsolicited advice givers may simply not know better words to offer or less bothersome means of support.
Depending on the stage of parenthood, from pre-conception to pregnancy, birth, postpartum, and even into toddlerhood and childhood, unwanted feedback comes in a multitude of forms. As soon as a woman reaches reproductive age, the question of “When will you have children?” can be a much too personal matter to share with just anyone who asks. With some research, I discovered that in the United States, nearly 26% of women who are married and of reproductive age have difficulties conceiving or carrying a pregnancy to term. Fertility issues are not one that we can physically see when we approach a stranger or loved one. Fertility issues are deeply personal and occur in intimate settings between partners or for solo individuals.
Parents say these struggles come with heartbreak, guilt, and low self-esteem if someone feels something is wrong with them. So when someone shares their fertility journey without being asked with someone who is struggling or asks unhelpful questions about conception, it can make those who are hopeful to have children feel uncomfortable, have distressing feelings that they are not adequate, or that there is something wrong with their decisions. Studies show this may trigger anxiety, deepen depression or sadness, stir up grief, and it is overall not mindful to ask about as we do not know who is going through the trials and tribulations of fertility.
For those who do conceive and have children of their own, they are still faced with opinions from others at every step of the way. Outside opinions of expecting parents' physical looks during pregnancy can manifest as “Wow, you have gained a lot of weight, maybe try walking some more to lose those extra baby pounds. New parents may hear takes on their parenting like “You need to tell your spouse to stop breastfeeding since you can’t give the baby any bottles when they are the only one to nurse the baby”. Comments like this lower self esteem by making the parent feel that they are not being a “good enough parent” when in reality they are more than likely trying their best. Parents are entitled to make decisions that they feel are best for themselves, their partner, and their family. When we push expectations on parents to look, act, care for their family, or parent in a certain way, we set a scope of what we feel is best based on what we may know from what society tells us, as compared to what that parent or baby needs.
In these examples the person giving unsolicited advice may stem from worry about the mom’s health or concerns about whether the dad can play an active support role in the family. However, they do not take into consideration that comments like those are criticizing what the parent may need, such as weight gain to develop a healthy baby, or not considering if the father can support his partner in other ways, such as giving emotional and social support by sitting with her as she nurses. Instead, parents who are desiring to seek medical advice are more likely to ask a trusted professional like their pediatrican for credible suggestions. Instead the advice heard to do more, act in another way, or to stop a practice they have in place casts doubt if the decisions by parents being made are correct can be understood in this way as a form of micro-aggression from the commenter who is unaware of circumstances or uncomfortable with something they don’t have the full picture of. Especially for families of color, blended families, adoptive families, and even blended micro-aggressions can come in the form of questions. Such as “where are you and your baby from?” or “so that is or isn’t your son/daughter?”. These inquiries are hurtful and dehumanizing. Thus, hearing feedback and opinions that aren’t supportive can lead to an increase in negative self-talk, anxiety about whether they are doing anything right at all, or create guilt about the idea that they aren’t the “good” parent they were hoping to be. As we know, negative self-talk, anxiety, and guilt are all leading causes of perinatal and postpartum mood disorders.
It is important to note that families that look and are different from the “nuclear family” model projected in our society are at risk of receiving more unsolicited advice or even harmful words and/or actions against them. Families with single parents, LGBTQ+ parents, adoptive families, or families of other circumstances are just as much a family as any other. However, others may have biases, prejudices, or questions for these families whom they want to better understand or “help out” in a sense. Regardless, these families do not owe anyone explanations and have their support systems. So, providing them with perspectives that were unwarranted, even if they are close to us, is not helpful and can cross boundaries that make unique families feel unseen or uncomfortable. It is better instead to provide unconditional acceptance and support to families that may look different than our own or what social norms suggest is the “normal”.
These boundary-crossing words that can have lasting impacts don’t stop when a child reaches a certain age. With 90% of parents feeling judged when their children are in their first to third year of life, this undesired judgment lingers on with age. Parents face these opinions as their child grows in new forms. Such as telling a parent their parenting style is why their child isn’t walking yet or offering advice when a parent is struggling with their child's behavior in school, when you weren’t asked, are both forms of unsolicited suggestions with the same harmful consequences. This comes on top of all the perspectives parents are pushed to conform to by social media today, before they have even one child, till they are empty nesters. Unsolicited advice to a parent of a child of any age is heard, processed, then sticks with the parent, being felt in a multitude of ways. Psychology shows us that it takes 5 positive interactions to set someone back on track after just 1 negative experience. Now, try to imagine how many supportive, mindful, and loving comments it would take to counteract the number of unsolicited advice expecting and established parents hear in just the first 18 years after a child is born.
The power of supportive suggestions to hard-working parents from truly-intentional desired voices holds more power and weight long-term than a single piece of advice we could offer just because of different views on what a family should be like. Instead of just saying what comes to mind, that we think a parent needs to hear, we can take steps to be mindful of their experience through open and sensitive communication. When we want to advise on something we weren’t asked to, we can pause and ask, “Would hearing my opinion be helpful since I was also a parent to a baby once?” or simply say nothing at all. Another helpful tool to avoid giving unsolicited advice is to simply offer no advice or opinions at all. Instead, we can shape conversations with parents to be uplifting and supportive of where they are in their family’s journey. Telling someone you are there for them when parenting gets hard, that you recognize how good of a parent they are, or simply telling a new parent they are not alone can make all the difference.
When we take a pause and stop telling parents what they don’t want to hear, we open a space to tell them things they NEED to hear. To a mom or a dad, one nice message or supportive voice can reduce anxiety, guilt, pressure, or loneliness that may be weighing on them. Parents' mental health being supported by kindness can determine how able they are to show up for themselves in their family roles and how they can show up for their babies, toddlers, and/or children. So the next time you want to ask or say something to a mom or dad that comes without conscious awareness of being supportive, think about ways you can uplift and respect the parenting individual as their unique parent, so that they can feel reinforced and seen.
So the next time you see a tired-looking parent in the grocery store line, tell them they are doing a good job, because you could be the culprit of the 5th nice thing they have heard in a while that outweighs the mean thing their friend said. Parents and those who desire to become parents need our love as much as their children need theirs!
